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I love Europe. I love living in Europe….well most of the time and I freakin’ love taking advantage of all the relatively short travel lengths we have between countries.

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After the past few weeks this little break that the hubster bought me for my birthday was most definitely needed.

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The man knows me well. Actually he is extremely talented at gift giving. He can spend a few pennies and come up with something incredibly thoughtful and this year’s birthday gift was no exception:

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A day cruise to Tallinn, Estonia!

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Trust me it was needed.

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Now I’m gonna tell you how the fertility appointment went and please note that being this open isn’t easy, especially considering I’m showing the world I’m vunerable….damn lack of superpowers.

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I’ve figured that throughout  this journey I really don’t want to keep any of the happenings to just my hubster and I and by being open I have actually had a whelp of good advice come my way: special thanks to be given to Ville’s auntie who’s openness with her own struggles gave me much needed hope.

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I’ve also had a whelp of stupidly bad advice come my way too and maybe I should leave that for another post.

*Warning: potentially gross lady-bits discussion coming up, advise to leave now if uncomfortable….if not uncomfortable I give thee kudos for being a reasonably mature adult*

Anyhew, the doctors at the appointment were very nice and genteel in giving their advice. I knew the weight thing was going to be mentioned and I braced myself for it and bless them they did recommend losing the weight in the most gentle of terms (annoyingly I am only 2 bmi points over getting public health funding for this so must lose the weight before treatment starts) but what I didn’t expect was to be told this news: that they were pretty sure I wasn’t ovulating at all.

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That hit me like a buick slamming into my chest at full vin-deisel speed (though he probably wouldn’t be caught dead in a grandpa car such as that).  I managed to keep my composure until the incredibly invasive exams and questions were over and we were walking the clinic hallways and then like a big baby….I just lost it: was crying my eyes out. Thank heavens for huge sunglasses.

Being able to ovulate seems to be the pure reason for womanhood and I felt as if I had been stripped of mine.  I have always been extremely feminine and loved being a woman and now…well this news was/is a bit dehumanising.

I had a few sulk days and crying days and for the most part was actually able to hold myself together in public (surprisingly), though there was one moment when I had to leave a room when a pregnant woman was complaining a bit excessively over not being able to eat something. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs “I’ll only eat boiled cabbage for the rest of my life to have the blessing you have!”. Was she allowed and in the right to complain? Heck yes but argh….she could have waited till I was gone before that tirade started is my defence although that is a smidge weak as the jealousy part is my problem and not hers….grrrr…..stupid lack of superpowers.

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The poor husband has been amazingly wonderful throughout all of this. At the clinic and many times since he has repeatedly reminded me that it was me he fell in love with and that I am still feminine and valuable to him. Which bless, is the best way anyone could have dealt with an erratic sobbing wife.

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So now we face the dreaded nightmare challenge of contact temperature charting, day calculations, invasive tests , planning, and spending lots of money. Self-discipline, organisation and mental strength is going to be needed in droves….sucky sucky sucky.

I appreciate and thank you all very very much for your prayers/vibes and selfishly ask that you please continue them. Even if it is just to help me with my jealously and/or with trying to make sense of drunken teenagers who get pregnant after one-night stands.

 With all of this surrounding my mind all the blasted time this little break was the perfect remedy.

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Tallinn is amazingly gorgeous. We only walked around most of the old town and did some shopping. I am planning on leaving the museums for another time as it’s only a 2 hour boat-ride away from Helsinki. Sheila: up for a visit when you come?

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To think how far this little country has come when it was literally preparing to fight off a Soviet invasion just 22 years ago is humbling….and kinda cool. With all that imposing and impressing influence very little has changed in the old town since the middle ages and for the sake of touristy shots that suits me just fine.

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In order to restore some typical nonsense and lightheartedness into this blog post I shall leave you with the name of one of the towers on the top of this sign….

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…please tell me I’m not the only one who giggled like a ridiculous teenage boy at this.

Toodles Sweets – Ariane
 

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Shannon Henszel
Jul. 1st, 2013 03:27 pm (UTC)
Poop on insensitive people! I'm sorry you had to go through that, and that fertility is not your friend right now. Hooray for basal temp charting though! Therein lie the answers, perhaps. I will forever maintain constant hope for you and Herr Finlandia.

Love, love, love, love...
britishcowgirl
Jul. 4th, 2013 11:47 am (UTC)
KITTOS sa myket
brujah
Jul. 1st, 2013 03:41 pm (UTC)
I remember my own nightmare trying to conceive and carry and I know nothing I can say will ease your pain, but I want to take a moment to tell you: You're brave, intelligent, feminine and amazing.

Your lady parts don't define you, your soul defines you and yours is beautiful.

Sending you good thoughts, sweets, as always.


(And as for that last photo? I snorted... I regret nothing.)
britishcowgirl
Jul. 4th, 2013 11:48 am (UTC)
What a wonderful comment. Thanks and glad you regret nothing ;) Sadly I seemed to be the only one laughing at it there.
tobyferret
Jul. 1st, 2013 03:58 pm (UTC)
*huge hugs*
You are a beautiful and strong woman, whom I admire greatly! I'm blessed to know you, even if its only online! I know that if I was going through what you are, I probably couldn't make it like you, I'm not that strong.
I pray that all your guys' hard work will pay off and that everything will be okay. You'll have children one day, I know it! If you ever need to vent or anything, I'm a good listener and my ears and heart are open to you :)
britishcowgirl
Jul. 4th, 2013 11:49 am (UTC)
Re: *huge hugs*
Awww thank you! I feel bleesed to know you too and may one day take you up on that rant thing.
same_sky
Jul. 2nd, 2013 12:35 pm (UTC)
Looks like you had a fun trip!

Ovulation is a fickle bitch. I don't ovulate either. I have been procrastinating for years about jumping back into the infertility world because it all just sucks so badly. Many hugs.

britishcowgirl
Jul. 4th, 2013 11:50 am (UTC)
In a twisted way it is nice to know I'm not the only one going through this but I'm sorry you've had to go through it too.
(Anonymous)
Jul. 9th, 2013 04:00 pm (UTC)
Faith
My heart goes out to you, our prayers are yours forever!
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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britishcowgirl
Ariane (or Jessica to a few of you)

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